You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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