just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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