Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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