Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
