Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
