I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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