happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
