Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
