So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Randomize
