we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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