so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Randomize
