YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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