my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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