did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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