I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
