i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
