i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
