Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize