Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
