I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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