woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
