You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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