thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
