I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize