seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
