farters have to be the big spoon...
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
