The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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