i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
