WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
