I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
