So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
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