I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
