im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
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