I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
