I wannas sexs uuuuu
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
