I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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