She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
