Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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