wrigley field is MILF paradise
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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