You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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