At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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