Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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