Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i just had sex bonerless
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
