Nicole vs. Life
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
