Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
