Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
