lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize