you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
