bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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