Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
