Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize