Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize