im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
