enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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