I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Randomize
