hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
