Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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