It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
